Bollywood beckons - Fatbloke and Poppy Pt 63

By Mike Peake

​So, are you wondering about the title or have you fallen asleep already? The Tuesday after my weekend polishing marathon, Josh Hawes put out an appeal in our group wanting a red convertible car for filming the very next day in central London. I tentatively offered Poppy thinking nothing would come of it. However, no sooner had I sent the message than Josh was on the phone telling me where I had to be, when I had to be there and also that I would actually be paid for driving my car through London.

So after chatting to a couple of friends who’d done film work and hearing about the lush warm catering vans, posh toilets and all the film stars I agreed to the job. The where was St James Square in London which was not a problem. The when however, was 5AM!! “At least we’d miss the traffic then” I said to Josh which was apparently the only positive comment he’d received about the meeting time.
 
Well Gladys the SatNav was saying it was a 2 hour trip so I allowed another hour for the “unforeseen” and worked out that I would have to leave home at 2am which would mean setting my alarm for 1am. It was already 9pm so I went to bed.
 
2am Wednesday I set off, stopping for fuel on the High Street. The run was great. I seemed to be the only car amongst the lorries and the drivers seemed to enjoy encouraging us along with quite a few toots on the horn a wave or a thumbs up. Despite having to detour through Reading because the M4 was closed between junctions 11 and 12, I made excellent time and arrived in St James Square at ten past four.

​There was no one there. No toilet blocks, no catering vans, no other classic cars, no one. Well I am a bit early I thought so I waited. At ten past 5, 2 mini buses arrived and about 30 Indian people got out and immediately congregated around Poppy exclaiming excitedly in Punjabi. It was a while before anyone approached me to ask if I was there for the filming and to tell me that everyone loved the car and she was exactly what they were after. Then they all left to congregate at the back of 2 Luton vans that had just arrived.
 
Gradually, at about 5.15am, other classics rolled into the Square. I was joined by a split screen VW camper, a Rolls Royce, Dale Scutter in his Hillman Minx, Craig in Josh’s very tatty Allegro 3 and 2 London taxis; one was a Metro Cab and the other was a 2001 TX1.

Library Picture

Library Picture

Library Picture

​Then, nothing happened at all until 7am when all the classics except Poppy and the camper were told to drive in convoy around Piccadilly Circus several times, which they did. The Rolls led, with one of the production coordinators riding shotgun to direct operations. Apparently on the 3rd lap he received a phone call, had a nervous breakdown and turned into a gibbering jelly, causing the Roller driver to lead the convoy into a one way bus lane and nearly crashing into an oncoming bus. Having narrowly avoided disaster, the Rolls led the convoy back to the Square and the production assistant was never seen again. Maybe this should have clued us in on how the rest of the day would go.
 
9am and still no sign of a catering bus or any toilets, so we drivers took matters into ourr own hands and went to a Café Nero up the road. A disorderly queue was formed  for the single toilet and very much needed strong coffee was ordered.
 
Still no catering van, but breakfast of sorts arrived at about 10.30am.

​Yes, that’s what we thought too. We went back to Café Nero.

Then, nothing happened at all. I mean nothing with no indication from the production crew of when anything would happen.

We did however learn a bit about the film. It was a Punjabi language comedy and they were aiming for cross between a Carry On film and Four Weddings and a Funeral. It was about an Indian pop band that came to the UK to “make it big” and the VW camper was their tour bus. The film will be called “Paani CH Madaani”.

​We were told that this is a clever play on words and means “Churning water”.  It is a reference to a parable where a mouse falls into a bucket of milk but struggles so much and never gives up. Eventually, the mouse’s struggles  churn the milk to butter and he can climb out. I guess churning water will have no effect.

​As you can see, it will be released in February 2021 so you have plenty of time to book your flights to India and learn Punjabi so you can see Poppy’s starring role.
 
Still nothing happened and some of the drivers were getting a bit frustrated and I was beginning to doubt the tales of glamour and glitz that I’d been told about filming.
 
We were all rather cold and in need of a toilet break so headed off to Café Nero again. However, as it would be rude to use the facilities without a purchase, we also bought more coffee, which would lead to the inevitable vicious circle.

​There was a bit of a problem for some of the Extras who were dressed up as down and outs in that the coffee shop staff wouldn’t serve them thinking they were actually down and outs. We only laughed a bit.

You just get a better class of Tramp in St James Square.

​At 2.30 pm we were all told to head off in convoy and drive around Trafalgar Square several times. It was pointed out that you can no longer drive all the way around Trafalgar Square and the necessary detour would take several minutes.

​This didn’t seem to worry the production crew overly and we were told to get on with it so we did. We managed to stay in convoy for the 1st lap but by the time we’d been up around Aldwych and back we had moderns between us and even more by the 3rd and 4th lap so we gave up and went back to St James Square. Of course, as is the way with London, all our parking spaces in the square had been taken and we were forced to double park and keep an eagle eye for wardens.

​None of us had seen any cameras filming us on our drive and I began to suspect that it had all been a ploy to silence the more vocal among the frustrated drivers.

​It was however, great fun driving a classic through central London. The tourists are less reserved than the normal British public and shouted, waved and took plenty of photos. One lady told me Poppy was her “Dream car” whilst she took photos at a pedestrian crossing. Even “proper Londoners” seemed impressed with several cabbies winding down their windows and calling out “Lovely motaa Guvna” and giving me a big thumbs up. I even had a chauffeur in a luxury Mercedes pull up alongside me and telling me his sister had one back in the day, before saying that they look much smaller now especially with me driving. It took me a while to figure out, but I think he was calling me fat!
 
Anyway, the day continued pretty much as before with zero communication from the production team. Lunch turned up at about 3.30pm and looked just as appetising as breakfast.

​We went to Café Nero again.

At about 4.30, we were told that the Allegro, Minx and the newer black Cab could go home but they wanted to keep Poppy, the Rolls, the Metro Cab and the Campervan for more filming - although they didn’t say when or where or what for.
 
It wasn’t until 5pm, a full 13 hours after we arrived, that Poppy and I got to hear “ACTION”
 
The Director came over to me and through an interpreter, asked if one of the actors could drive my car? Having been privy to tales of how some of the actors had treated the camper when they’d driven it, I refused point blank. It turned out I was to be very glad of this decision and all the waiting around turned out to be worth it.
 
You see, the directions I was given was that I was to carry 3 passengers and was to pull up at the junction at the end of Waterloo Place next to the camper. 

Here is a picture of the actors in Poppy.

​It got better though. The couple in the back were told to be “as passionate as you can be whilst keeping your clothes on” and the young lady next to me was told to be the same with my left hand side while I kept my eyes resolutely on the road. The poor young lady did extremely well in quickly masking the look of horror that passed across her face but I was less successful at hiding my soppy grin. Anyway for some reason, it took 47 takes before we got it right and the Director was getting quite cross with me. I really can’t think why I went wrong so often. The actors loved the attention Poppy and therefore they were getting from the public on the drives to the location.
 
And that was it. I was handed a wodge of folding money which was nice, as after my acting debut, I would quite happily have done it for free. I was slightly disappointed that I wasn’t going to be in one of those famous big Bollywood dance numbers, but I suppose that would be asking too much of Lady Luck!
 
Goodbyes were said and I set off home in the London rush hour. Even that was quite pleasant though as traffic was a lot lighter than usual because of COVID I guess, and loads of Londoners wanted to chat about Poppy while we were stuck in the queues. I’ve not driven a classic in London before and it was much nicer than I was expecting.
 
2 hours of faultless and quite rapid driving (for a 50 year old car) later I pulled up at home and I made a full  confession to Mrs FB. She was cross. Very cross, but not because I was canoodling with a young lady .No,  Apparently, my behaviour was less than COVID-aware and I should be more careful.
 
Anyway, for whatever reason, I am now quarantined in the caravan on the drive. I’m hoping that it is only for the 2 weeks suggested by the Government but I’ll let you know. Oh, and last night, I was told they wanted Poppy back. Not sure when though. I agreed instantly.
 
The when was Sunday, at the much more sensible time of 3pm and it was at Heathrow instead of central London. Poppy continued to be a proper show off and it seemed as if all the crew and actors wanted their photo taken with her. I think it was Poppy’s version of giving autographs.

​The reason Poppy was needed again was that the scene taken in central London last time, was far too “steamy” for Punjabi cinema and needed reshooting.
 
Natalie (Yes, I know her name now) and I were told to carry on as pretty much as before, but the 2 in the back were told to tone it down a touch. As it was the scene taken out of the camper, looking down into Poppy’s open cockpit, we only had to pull up alongside the camper and act. If you can call maintain a silly grin whilst being canoodled by a young lady acting, then I acted my socks off. We had it all in the can (I know! get me with the lingo!) in just 32 takes this time despite my best efforts.
 
A perfectly behaved Poppy then took me back home… to my quarantine caravan.
 
Stay safe everyone. I’ll be back when I’ve got something to write about.
 
Some creative licence may have been employed in the telling of this tale.

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