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Buying used cars ain't what it used to be! Part 6

25/4/2016

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by Paul Sweeney
So the time had come to say goodbye to my little Nova; I'd never really been sorry to see a car go before, but this time I was. Still, another new car would be exciting and this one would be bigger, faster, better, right? Well no, as it turned out.
Picture
The Astra looked like this but was dark red
I arrived to collect the Astra and there it was, waiting ready for me on the dealer's forecourt. Shiny, brand new with that special smell only new cars have. I immediately took off for a spin. Compared to the Nova, it was bigger inside and out; it had four doors, a bigger engine and was a little better equipped. It was quiet and smooth as you'd expect of a new car .... and yet there was something missing. It wasn't fun.

​That initial disappointment grew deeper when I found old vans passing me on hills -surely there was something wrong? This Astra was at the time the European Car of the Year but it had no, "Get up and go".

​I took it unhappily to the main dealer, Wilnecote Motors of Tamworth to investigate and they quickly informed me there was nothing wrong with the car - and perhaps there wasn't. I'll never know, but what I do know is the sparkly, lively character I had enjoyed so much in the Nova was completely absent from the Astra.
Picture
This Opel variant is the colour of my Astra
I was disappointed, but there was nothing I could do about it; it was a company car and I just had to live with it until it was time to change again. At least I didn't need to do any maintenance on it, which left me more time for other jobs around the house.

One weekend I decided I couldnt put off mowing the front lawn any longer and pulled out my little Qualcast electric mower. It was the cylinder type and as I started mowing I noticed that all it was doing was flattening the grass, which sprang back up a few minutes later; it was barely cutting the grass at all!
Picture
Not my actual mower, but the same type
I fetched my toolkit and patiently took the thing apart. I cleaned, oiled, adjusted and even sharpened the blades before carefully reassembling everything. I plugged it in, fired her up and .... it was even worse than before!

Muttering dark threats, I took it apart again; I must have missed something, so this time I even broke the Golden Rule of Blokedom - incredible as it may seem, I fetched the Owners' Instruction Booklet and did exactly what it said. Down to every last detail.

Reassembly complete, I eagerly plugged the power cord in once more and tried it on the front lawn. The result? No change. Well, not strictly true - it was as good as it had been before I tried to fix it the first time - meaning it still wasn't actually cutting the grass. 

I decided the bottom plate against which the revolving cylinder blades strike was bent, so I went to the local B&Q and bought a new one - that would fix it! It didn't - well, maybe a marginal improvement, but no more.

By this time I was getting a tad hot and bothered - and had pretty much lost interest in mowing the lawn until my dear wifey yelled from the living room window, "Are you still ******ing around with that ****ing mower?" in the sweet tones she seemed to reserve just for me. "I'm getting there", I lied gamely as I took the mower apart one more time.

This time, I disassembled the mower almost completely - I had a dozen or so odd-shaped bits of cheap metal lying around me. Again I checked, cleaned and re-fitted the entire thing, then spent quite a while adjusting the blade clearance to as near perfection as I could. This was it ... the moment of truth had come.

I plugged the power cord in again, pulled the '"start" lever and set off across the lawn once more. I got to the far end of the lawn and did a smart 180 degree turn, looking back expectantly to see the fruits of my labours - and saw a neat strip of flattened uncut grass already beginning to return to the vertical position. At that very moment, Mrs S yelled "Are you coming in or not?" (expletives omitted) and it was then that I finally cracked. 

I yanked on the power cord so hard the plug pinged out from the power point a few yards away, then I picked up the mower by it's handle and began circling it around my head wildly (think of a puny version of Geoff Capes throwing the hammer and you pretty much get the idea). After a few complete circuits accompanied by yours truly yelling I know not what, I let go of it. 

Now if I'm honest, I suppose I imagined the mower sailing majestically across our front garden, bouncing in slow motion as it hit the ground and exploding dramatically into a thousand pieces. What actually happened was the control lever caught in my sleeve which tore - and the mower along with half of my shirt landed pretty much at my feet, completely undamaged. 

My neighbours (for they were surely observing from their hide nearby) didn't say a word, coming as it did after the infamous Cortina-kicking incident, but I'm fairly sure I heard squeaking sounds remarkably like suppressed sniggering.

​Wifey meanwhile had watched the whole thing from the house, and to my surprise had a rare grin on her face that soon turned to a chuckle until it became a most unladylike guffaw. I had to admit, I must have looked pretty ridiculous and before long I was laughing too. I can't offhand recall any other time when we both laughed together like that, although I suppose it must have happened occasionally.

Next time - a new job results in another search for a used car! 

More from Paul Sweeney ...

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  • Home
  • News & Events
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  • Photo Galleries
    • 2022 >
      • 2022 Classic Motor Show Gallery
      • 2022 Fat Lamb Tour Gallery
      • 2022 NC500 - the Grand Tour of the Scottish Coast Photo Gallery
      • 2022 Glos Vintage & Country Extravaganza Gallery
      • 2022 Best of Yorkshire Tour Gallery
      • 2022 Peak District Revisited Tour Gallery
      • 2022 Gaydon Weekend Gallery
      • 2022 NEC Resto Show Gallery
      • 2022 Forest of Dean Winter Tour Gallery
    • 2021 >
      • 2021 Classic Motor Show Gallery
      • 2021 Fat Lamb Tour Gallery
      • 2021 Welsh Tour Gallery
      • 2021 Jurassic Coast Tour Gallery
      • 2021 Crich Museum & Tour Gallery
      • 2021 Staffs Oatcake Tour Gallery
      • 2021 Boston CCC Show Photo Gallery
    • 2019 >
      • Yorkshire Moors Driving Tour 2019
      • Lancaster Insurance Classic Motor Show NEC Nov 2019
      • New Forest Driving Tour 2019
      • Gloucester Vintage & Steam Extravaganza Photo Gallery 2019
      • Tour of the Dark Peak Photo Gallery 2019
      • Codgers do the Cotswolds 2019
      • Bubble Car Museum Gallery 2019
      • Brecon Beacons driving tour 2019
      • Morgan Factory tour 2019
      • Practical Classics Classic Car & Restoration Show 2019
    • 2018 >
      • Lancaster Insurance Classic Motor Show NEC November 2018
      • Isle of Wight Tour 2018
      • Brunel's Somerset Tour Gallery 2018
      • Gloucester Vintage Extravaganza 2018
      • Maesteg Charity Classic Car Show & Driving Tour 2018
      • Bubble Car Museum & Driving Tour 2018
      • Peak District Driving Tour 2018
      • Practical Classics Classic Car & Restoration Show 2018
      • Coventry Transport Museum 2018 >
        • Joel Lodder's 2018 Coventry meet gallery
    • 2017 >
      • Lancaster Insurance Classic Motor Show NEC November 2017
      • Snowdonia Driving Tour 2017
      • Gloucester Vintage Extravaganza 2017
      • Lupin Farm Charity Car Show 2017
      • The Shackleton Trust 2017
      • Crich Tramway Museum 2017
      • Bubble Car Museum 2017
      • Pride of Longbridge 2017
      • April 2017 Practical Classics Restoration Show (NEC)
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